One year ago today, I was on my way to get married. I’m not sure exactly of times, but I’m pretty sure we were at least getting ready to get in the car (my mom and I) and on our way to Mall Of America’s Chapel Of Love.

What a year it’s been. One year ago today, I was 120 pounds heavier. I was dreaming about what it would be like to have surgery. I was praying that, once I switched to my new husband’s insurance, that I would be approved and able to have it before the end of the year. And I prayed that it would work.

This morning, Gary and I went to Denny’s for breakfast. Although we didn’t go exactly when we planned on it because I was up until 4:30 this morning reading through his old blog archives. He has them all, all the way back to July 2000. It was very surreal reading things that he wrote from that long ago. I’m glad that he had them. When we first got together in 1998, we had a website. Well, he had a website and I squeezed my way into it. We had written pages to each other, and put up a screen capture of our VP “wedding”. It’s long since gone. On the computer that he had when I first moved here, he had all the icq conversations and all the emails that I had sent him saved. But we had to reformat that computer after it died one day and all of that was lost.

It was nice that some parts of our lives together have been saved. He surprised me this morning with a letter he had written me for our anniversary. I’m not going to say what it said, because even though I (obviously) have no problem sharing my personal life with the nameless, faceless 10’s that read this site, this is just for me. I want to keep it just for me. Plus it would probably embarrass him if I posted it and I don’t want to do that.

It was a surprise because I had told him that I didn’t want him to get/give me anything. Earlier this year, he agreed (finally!) to go on a cruise next year and I told him at the time that in exchange for that, I didn’t require any presents this year. And I meant it. But on my birthday he surprised me with flowers and then for him to write me something that was totally unexpected and so sweet. It meant more to me than anything that he could have bought in any store.

We may be “newlyweds”, but we’ve been together now for almost 8 years (7 ½ of those actually living together). Some of that time we spent as strangers, and most of the time we’ve spent loving each other more than either of us had thought possible. I find myself sometimes marveling at what a gift I was given that day in May of ’98 when he was brought into my life.

In about an hour and a half, we’ll be headed out to go and spend our 1st anniversary in the hotel where we spent our honeymoon. We’ll even be in the same room. I cannot wait for this time with him. Yes, we live together (alone) and spend every day together. We work the same shift so (aside from his Friday’s when he’s off and I have to work) we’re always home together. But there is something infinitely more wonderful about getting out of our usual surroundings to have that time really and truly alone together to have nothing to focus on but each other. I cherish those times with him and I hope he feels the same way.

As I mentioned earlier in this already too long post, we went to Denny’s for breakfast. Do we know how to partay or what?? Anyway, we haven’t been out to eat since before my surgery. I wanted to go there because I wanted to test the boundaries of another milestone in my post-op journey. The last time we went there, we had to sit at a table because I had long since outgrown the booths in most restaurants but especially Denny’s. The last time that I sat in a booth there, I left with a huge bruise right on my stomach above my bellybutton from the table because I was too big to really be able to sit there. Since then, I have dreaded going out anywhere for fear that there wouldn’t be a table available.

We walked into the restaurant and waited to be seated. I’ll admit, as the host walked us out to the dining room, I half hoped he’d put us at a table. I wanted to test it, but didn’t want to be upset, especially on this day, if it didn’t work out the way I had hoped. He sat us at a booth and I eyed the space in the seat as I sat down. I expected to at least be touching the table. What actually happened left me completely speechless, but giggling hysterically while I put my hands over my eyes and tried not to start bawling right there in the middle of people eating their grand slams and senior breakfasts.

Not only was I not touching the table, there was enough room that I could cross my arms in front of me in between my body and the table edge. I looked down and could see the seat. I slouched down in the seat like I’ve never been able to do before, at least not in my adult life. I couldn’t stop giggling. I’m still amazed at what has taken place today. A door in my life has been reopened and instead of being disappointed by what was on the other side, I’m enjoying the light that is flooding in because of that opening. There’s more doors in this room that need to be opened, but I think I’ll enjoy the newness and the brightness of this one for awhile.

And the best part was that I got to do this with the man I love, and who loved me enough to marry me 120 pounds ago. I got to share this experience with him and see that he was proud of me and was happy for me and loved me.

Time is indeed on my side and I cannot wait to see what is in store for me tomorrow and all the tomorrows after.

Oh, and p.s. I made my goal of 260 by this date. Go me :)

I'm going to have to rethink my lunchtime smoothie. That 20 ounces of fruity goodness with a protein boost is throwing my calories all the fuck outta whack. Without it, I'll have had 683 calories and 33 grams carbs for the day. With it, I'm at 1109 calories and something over 100 carbs for the day...sweet jesus. 130 calories in the protein scoop they give you and it only has 7 grams of protein in it...wtf??
I was trying to think of something interesting to write about in the way of my post-op progress for the purposes of observation (both other people's and my own for later) and decided on the temperature things that have changed.
Pre-op, I was always hot. Always. Didn't matter what was going on, I was hot. The back of my neck and behind my ears would get all sweaty and ick and I was just miserable and so was my husband because he's the opposite and I was forever either opening windows when they didn't need to be opened or turning on the a/c when it had no business being on.
I had heard about this "transformation" as a pre-op and couldn't quite believe it could happen on such a drastic level, or at least not as quickly as others said it would. Sure, I hoped it would but I had serious doubts.
Holy Buckets! I am cold all the fucking time. Like right now. It is 65 degrees outside...the sun is shining brightly in the early spring sky and the heat is still on in the building. I work in the basement so we are in relatively close proximity to the heating system that has to work for all 33 floors of this building. Consequently, when it starts to warm up outside, it is always roasting down here. Everyone has been walking around for the last 3 or 4 (working) days saying how hot it is down here. When I went to cover the receptionist desk while the girl up there today went to lunch, I had to turn the fan off because she had it on because she said she was hot. My fan has not been on once since October. I'm cold right now. Not freezing cold, but I could use like a sweater or something, and everyone is walking around today talking about how they are so hot. It will be interesting to see what happens come summer. I cannot wait to see :)

The damn plateau broke over the weekend (as is what usually happens) and I lost 5 pounds so I'm down to 267.2. And that's according to the new scale which I hate but wanted to get because it was digital and easier to see the numbers while standing 5 feet 11 inches away from it and trying to look around my (slowly decreasing in size) belly.

I just wanted to share that so that pre-ops and newly post-ops can see that they don't last and that if you're feeling negative about it or whatever that it really is ok and that it will pass. Obviously I also wanted to share for the YAY! factor. :P So that's that. If I can keep losing this week, I might make my goal of 260 by next Monday. Either way, tomorrow is my 6 month anniversary and I'm down 110 pounds since surgery and 117 pounds since a year or so before that (from my highest). That's pretty fucking brilliant :)

I had big plans this year…



( Consider yourselves warned. I ended up getting VERY whiny! And sort of rambled but what is new? )

After 2 weeks of sitting at a frustrating 280 (3 pounds off my "official" century mark), this weekend the plateau finally broke and I lost 5 pounds putting me squarely at 275. I don't know when the last time was that I weighed 275 as me and scales had a rocky relationship at best in the past but there it is. I've "officially" lost 102 pounds since my surgery 19 weeks ago. And since the pounds count when they're ON the scale, I count them when they're off as well so that means I've lost a total of 109 since my highest weight.

Even after almost 5 months I'm still amazed at the effects of this surgery and that I can drop 5 pounds in 2 days...

I feel like I should be more excited though but I guess that's just because I'm still not "normal". This morning on the way to work, we got a single bus instead of the usual double that we normally get. This meant that I had to sit next to somebody and even with 102 pounds gone, I still felt like I was taking up more than my fair share of the seat.

I wonder if that will ever go away...

Kathy
Open RNY 10/25/05
(384)377/275/199

Ok, some "official" pictures. They are front and side and the first one in both sets was taken on May 3, 2004 at my initial consult with my surgeon's office. I was pretty much the same weight/size on October 25, 2005 when I had my surgery (finally!) Same clothes, basically same shots...I cannot believe how different the shirt fits. The front is longer, the sleeves are even longer and the neckline...omgosh...

Anyway, there ya go :)







Oh yeah, and for any non-LJ peeps looking, if you click on the picture, it'll take you to the full size version just in case I'm not big enough for you in the one that is displayed :P

as always on my personal journal, behind a cut for those not interested :P

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I've been meaning to recalculate my BMI (Body Mass Index) for quite some time now but I kept forgetting to do it. I finally remembered this morning...When I started this whole process (in 2004), my highest weight was 384, putting my BMI squarely at 53.6 (anything over 30 is medically termed Obesity for those not fq in the know /fq)

This morning, a little over 4 months out of surgery, I weigh 280, putting my BMI squarely at 39. Not only have a lost 97 pounds from my surgery weight, but I no longer qualify for surgery 'medically speaking' because my BMI is under 40!! (Surgeons will still perform surgery for a BMI between 35-39 as long as you have a long list of severe co-morbidities which I don't think I have anymore either)

My first major goal was to have lost 100 pounds by my 1st wedding anniversary, which is April 17th. I'm thinking I may adjust that goal a bit now, seeing as 3 pounds in 2 months is a little unrealistic (on the GOOD side!). Not sure what I'll make it now though...maybe 265? My biggest goal hope is that I can use the whirlpool tub that is going to be in our suite at the hotel we are staying in for our anniversary. Last year, we were both able to sit in it (with no water) but it wasn't comfortable and I didn't really 'fit' in it then. So pounds aside, my new goal for 4/17/07 is to enjoy the tub with my husband.

I hope I can do that :)

This might get a little ‘wordy’ correction, this DID get VERY wordy. It might take a couple sittings to read …you’ve been warned :P Also, it's related to my weight loss so any of my non-wls peeps might not be interested and should skip it :P

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It's Friday again...

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Behind a cut for those not interested in reading :P

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Sometimes it seems like it's the little things, but when you think about it, they aren't so "little".

One of the *not* little things that I'm thankful for this surgery giving me is the ability to enjoy food again. Because I can eat so little, and because I have to eat so slowly, this new life has given me the opportunity to REALLY appreciate what I'm eating...I haven't really gotten into the whole 'pouch worthy' aspect of eating yet, as I'm still trying to navigate the difficult terrain of finding things that I can eat that won't make me sick. But when I find something that I *can* eat, whoa boy!! It is amazing. It's like it's the best thing to ever happen to me in my life! It's probably just me replacing one food 'obsession' with another but right now, even the most mundane things send me right over the moon.

The first time I had a grilled cheese with tomato soup (1/4 of a sammich with the crust cut off), I thought I had died and gone straight to heaven.

2 nights ago we stopped at kfc and rather than just getting my usual potatoes, I decided I wanted to try something new. Ever since surgery, kfc chicken just doesn't appeal to me. I don't like the taste (this has not changed). But in addition to my potatoes, I ordered one of those snacker sammiches. Oh...My..GOD! I was in heaven. I split it in half so that I wouldn't have crusty ends of bun or chicken to deal with and basically nibbled on about 1/4 of it for the rest of the night. I took the first bite and waited about 5-10 minutes before I took another just to make sure that I wasn't eating it too fast and to see if it made me sick. It did not! and it was so tasty! (Good thing too because once again, they didn't give me my potatoes.) I ate most of the other half the next night and just wow. Also for only maybe the second time since surgery, when I was done eating, my insides felt normal, not like I had a rock in my gut or something. I just felt normal.

This morning I dared to stop at Starbucks (for only the second time since surgery in Oct) and get a coffee. I also got one of their turkey and swiss sammiches. I ate a good portion, about a quarter of it, for breakfast and have taken another couple bites in the 4 hours since, whenever I start to feel hunger sick. It's sitting well and this is a GREAT relief because it means that possibly Oscars boycott of deli-type meats is over!! I really want to try some roast beef also...just to see how it will sit.

And the best thing of all is that I've spent like $9 this week on food. I used to spend a minimum of $50-$60 a week pre-op.

I cannot wait for my 'new' taste buds to sample all the wonderful flavors and foods on the cruise next year. I'm planning on working my butt off until then and then going COMPLETELY on vacation for that week. I'm not going to eat until I'm sick or stuff myself at every turn. But I am going to enjoy myself and sample everything they have to offer that looks remotely tasty. Nice thing about a cruise. I won't feel like I'm wasting money when I push that Beef Wellington aside because I don't like that liver crap on top and ask for the stuffed quail or tiger prawns instead :P

I’m putting this behind a cut because I got very rambly :P
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Have a great weekend everyone!!

Kathy
Open RNY 10/25/05
377/296/199

Friday Pro’s & Con’s

Cons:

I can’t think of any…isn’t that funny. Oh wait, there was one…I had my 3(?) month check-up on Wednesday (but mostly to get my B-12 shot) and their scale said I weighed 302. Granted, it’s still a LOT lower than it was in October at 377+, but it isn’t the 299 I had a couple weeks ago. My cycle’s all funky too (should have started next week, started this week) so that might have something to do with it. Even so, it’s only 3 pounds difference which could be the fact that I had shoes on, regular street clothes, and it was 2 in the afternoon. I weigh at home in my (very light) nightgown, no shoes or slippers and first thing in the morning. It isn’t really freaking me out though because I just keep thinking about the fact that nobody on earth could eat what I’m eating (in the amounts that is) and not lose weight. So whether I flutter and flirt with the 300 mark for awhile or not, I know eventually the scale will start moving in the right direction again.


Pros:

Omgosh so many!

-Last Saturday, while playing with my cat, I noticed an old skirt I had bought for a cruise in 2003. It didn’t really fit all that well then (26/28 no elastic) and I never wore it after that. I tried it on and it fit…WELL!. I also tried on a 26/28 shirt that I absolutely adore and that fit also, well enough that I wore it to work this week and got many compliments :) (I’m in a 4x, 34 for everything else right now)

-While it is not moving steadily downward at the moment, the scale is also not going in the other direction and that is always a good thing.

-My vitamins that I ordered from BE.com came on Monday and I have managed to take the multi (liquid) every day this week and the calcium (liquid) also every day, although I *did* forget to take the evening dose the last two days but at least I’m getting one of them in every day and that’s far better than where I was a week ago.

-I’m having to really think about this but I don’t think I was run-of-the-mill nauseas at all this week. I got sick at least once from something I ate but I think that is because I ate it too fast and/or took one bite too many.

-Finally started eating normal foods for dinner. The Lean Cuisines are sitting nicely with Oscar and it is really cool to have something besides a protein drink or a square of a sammich for dinner. Meatloaf…balsamic glazed chicken…and I have swedish meatballs in the freezer that I might venture into tonight.

-Diet root beer. I am having a HORRIBLE time getting my fluids in. Seems to take me forever to drink anything and it only ends up upsetting my tummy and since I have to eat so often it really makes it hard to drink like I’m supposed to because I have to do the waiting thing before and after. Most things I cannot drink that fast just because it is still very uncomfortable. But I pour about 2 inches of diet root beer into a cup and I can down it in about 15 minutes, then ‘refill’. It comes out very fizzy but looses most of that very quickly and it doesn’t get overly sweet once it starts to go flat like a lot of pop does. So 3 cheers for diet root beer!

-Finally revisited Starbucks this week. It was nice because one of the guys looked at me and said “Where have you been!?” I explained everything and they helped me pick out a drink. (Was going to go with a sugar/fat free vanilla latte half-caff but ended up doing an iced passion tea with lemonaid. Kind of like Celestial Seasonings but by the end it was just making my mouth more dry so I don’t think I’ll get that again.)

-Starting to feel normal again. Not that I want to jinx myself or anything but it is so cool to just be. Oscar is not dictating every move in my life anymore, or at least not as forcefully. I’m really beginning to get a sense that in another couple of months, if not for the portion sizes I’ll have to remind myself that I even had anything done.

Joyce was right. 3 is the magic number. In month 3, everything seems to sort of turn around. The pouch settles down and starts becoming more accepting of what you give it. Stems, seeds, leafy veggies, whole grains, and anything else you’ve been avoiding come back into circulation. And your body feels like your body again, albeit smaller ;). It’s a long time to be sure, but looking back on the road I’ve traveled so far, the journey doesn’t seem to have been that far and there is still a long stretch of road in front of me. But looking behind me, gazing down that path I see the bumps, the tiny rocks, the unevenness of where I’ve been. Looking forward, the road seems so much easier even though it’s longer. It seems to me to be more even, no holes to avoid or cracks to watch out for….

I think I’ll walk for awhile.

Kathy
Open RNY 10/25/05
377/302/199

This morning I passed another in the seemingly endless series of landmarks that I have come to love and (yes) expect on my journey since surgery.

I stepped on the scale…

And the little red pointer bobbing thingie stopped…

On…

299.

299

I just stood there for what seemed like an hour staring down at it as it was momentarily obscured by my cat’s head while she tried to bat at it with her paw while it bounced around, settling once again on that wonderful, magical number.

299

My husband was sitting on the couch directly to the left and in front of me. “Honey…you, you know what the scale says?”

“No, what does it say?”
“299.”
“Way to go, honey.”

Way to go indeed.


Open RNY 10/25/05
377/299/199

Or, well *I* made a breakthrough :P Last night for dinner I had a whole chicken mcnugget, plus another half of one (peeling off the coating of course). This means I don’t have to make frowny faces anymore when hubby goes to McD’s :) I was also chastised yesterday by someone in my surgeon’s office for not eating enough ‘solid’ foods. Imagine…me..ME…being chastised by a medical professional for not eating enough! It was quite a moment. I’ve been told that until I can better handle actual meat products (for the protein) that I’m to stick with more filling, longer lasting things like pasta and/or sammiches and get my protein from my drinks. This is very good news seeing as Oscar is very fond of bread and it is one of the only things that he tolerates well besides this lovely chicken soup I’m having for lunch. I’ve also been cleared for the dumplings that normally accompany this chicken soup so no more fishing for my very kind Bruegger’s Bagels staff. Although I had a very filling breakfast this morning and I think I didn’t chew some of it very well because my chest as kind of hurt all day. I think some got stuck earlier. It isn’t there now but it still *feels* like it is :P

This usually goes on the wls LJ but I'm going to start putting them here because I want to keep track...
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final tally









Calories Eaten Today
source grams cals %total
Total: 662
Fat: 14 129 19%
Sat: 7 61 9%
Poly: 1 13 2%
Mono: 4 38 6%
Carbs: 73 281 41%
Fiber: 3 0 0%
Protein: 67 268 40%
Alcohol: 0 0 0%

Calories Eaten Today
source grams cals %total
Total: 337
Fat: 6 57 17%
Sat: 2 21 6%
Poly: 1 10 3%
Mono: 2 21 6%
Carbs: 39 147 44%
Fiber: 2 0 0%
Protein: 32 128 38%
Alcohol: 0 0 0%

Turn and face the strange indeed…

Last night, I watched my first wls show on tv since I had my own surgery. It was on Discovery Health Channel and it was called “627 lb. Woman: Jackie’s Story”. I noticed an interesting thing about myself as I watched it. I seem to have turned some psychological corner. When I watched these shows pre-op, I was always slightly uncomfortable and hoped my husband wasn’t watching from his perch on the computer. Aside from the obvious wish fulfillment aspect of wanting to watch these shows, I was always there, clicker in hand, just in case it got too ‘real’ for me.

Last night was a wholly different experience. Obviously there was the “familiar” aspect of what I was seeing, that being her thoughts and views on herself and the surgery and the difficulty she had going into it, emotionally speaking. And of course I was able to finally identify with a lot of the stuff they talked about after she went through it, having gone through it finally myself. But there was something else there too. There was joy for her and every hurdle she was able to overcome. I was smiling and rooting for her when she was finally able to get into the van for the drive to the hospital after she insisted she’d never do it. I was happy when she had her weight loss and commiserated when she found she was unable to eat and was constantly nauseous.

But what was more shocking to me was what was not there. I was not embarrassed. There was no shame while I watched and I found myself bringing my husband into the moment by recounting things about the show and the woman that he wasn’t watching. I feel oddly comforted by this. I’m not sure if it’s a permanent change or something that will revert in the days and/or weeks to come. But I’m taking great comfort in the knowledge that even for the briefest of periods I was able to feel what I felt.